I Won’t Give Up

There are times when I feel like giving up. When I don’t see the point in writing another book, because as an Indie Author, it costs me money to publish, and as yet, I can honestly say I have not made that money back, and I am certainly not making a living from it. I have also wanted to give up on life. I know that depression and suicide is a hot topic at the moment, in light of recent events, and I know that some people really get it, really understand why some souls wish to leave this planet, and there are others who don’t get it at all.

I get it.

I have been there. When all seems lost, pointless, and hopeless. I haven’t been there just once, but several times. Throughout my life. I have never sought any help for these feelings, and I have never been on medication. Instead, I have my own form of therapy.

I write.

I weave my feelings, my despair, my heartbreak, my loneliness and my anguish into my stories. My characters do things that  I wish I could, but can’t. Because when it comes right down to it, I know that I cannot leave yet. That I came here with a mission, and I have not completed it yet. Usually, when I have one of my moments of giving up writing, giving up publishing my books, I get a beautiful email, or message from a reader who tells me how much my words have helped them, and I am reminded of why I continue to do what I do.

Yesterday, I received an email that I know will prevent me from ever having one of these moments again. Because I plan on posting it on the wall as a daily reminder of why I write, and why I am here.

The email came from Janine, a beautiful lady I met last year who runs the Freedom Inside, Books for Prisoners program. I donated some copies of The Earth Angel Training Academy to the program, and when prisoners like the book, they write letters to Janine, and she passes them onto me. The one I received yesterday was from a prisoner who had decided he wanted to give up. That he’d had enough, and it was time to go. But he had a copy of my book in his room, which he said kept calling to him. And finally, he decided to delay his end in order to read it. I have posted some excerpts from his letter below.

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To know that because of my words, one soul decided to stay on this planet, rather than leave, makes everything worth it. And I will be writing to him to let him know just how grateful I am, for his beautiful words too.

I had a conversation with God…

… in 2007, and was told that I would one day meet Neale Donald Walsch. At the time it seemed like a crazy idea, I had no means to go to America or even to one of his events in the UK. I put the notebook away and soon forgot about the conversation. About a year later, I had moved to New York to work as an Au Pair, and was reading all of the books in the Conversations with God cosmology. I looked online one day and realised that Neale was doing an evening seminar in the city.

It was a brilliant evening, and the whole time, I felt like there was something I had forgotten, but couldn’t think what it was. I got my book signed by Neale, and then left, all the while knowing that I should have said something, though what, I didn’t know.

A couple of months later, I found the conversation in my notebook, and I realised that God’s prediction had come true. At that moment I decided that I would have to meet Neale again, so I could tell him.

Me & Neale

Fast forward 5 years – just last week I attended the Spiritual Renewal Retreat with Neale in Medford, Oregon. It was an incredible 4.5 days, I met so many amazing people, a lot of whom I am keeping in touch with, especially my fabulous buddy, Molly 🙂 The retreat included a lot of people sharing their stories, and I told Neale about my conversation, and about meeting him in New York. I wanted to thank him for doing a free retreat, (they do one free one per year) as it made it possible for me to attend, seeing as I only needed to find the air fare.

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Me & Molly

The week was made even more special by the live and beautiful music of Cathy Bolton. She had a song for every topic discussed, and brought a few tears to our eyes with her angelic voice. I love my CD that I bought, it may well become the soundtrack for my next book 🙂

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The week flowed perfectly thanks to the wonderful CWG staff, Will, JR, Annie,  and many others. Janine, a wonderful lady who runs a programme to bring books to prisoners, called Freedom Inside, was running the book stall there. I loved what she was doing and so offered to send copies of The Doorway to PAM to any prisoners who would like to read it.

It was a truly transformative retreat, and I am so glad that I went. Hearing the CWG material from the man who wrote it made it come to life. And having it applied to the situations of those in the room helped everyone to see how it applied to them and their lives. If you have yet to read any of the Conversations with God series, I urge you to pick up a copy of Book 1. You won’t regret it 🙂

I am now spending another week in Medford, exploring the towns and lakes and mountains that surround it. I’m staying with a lovely couple who live here, who are very kindly hosting me through couchsurfing.org.

This holiday has given me the break I desperately needed, and in April, when I return, I will have the energy to get on with writing! I have set myself some crazy tasks – more info on that to come…