I fell into a hyperfocus today, trawling through my entire instagram (all ten years worth) to find haikus that I have written and posted, to include in my 3rd and 4th haiku collections.

And though I found plenty of treasure, I was quite amazed at just how much I have done in the last decade, and yet, it still doesn’t feel like enough. Most of what I have done isn’t even on my insta, I have done so much more than I have ever posted, and yet, it still doesn’t feel like enough.

Written and published 25 of my own books?

That’s cool, but if I had kept up with publishing two books a year, I’d have more than 30 by now.

Helped other authors publish more than 60 titles?

That’s cool and all, but I still barely scrape a living.

Made dozens of crochet animals as gifts and for fundraising?

That’s cool, but I definitely could have made more.

It doesn’t matter how much I do, it will never be enough. My brain will always try to convince me that I should have done more. And yet, when I look at everything I did in the last decade, I am not in the slightest bit surprised that I completely burned out for a couple of years. And yet, in those two years of feeling burned out, I STILL did so much! I published books, I ran a studio, I did monthly markets. And yet felt like I had wasted the time, doing nothing.

And I wonder if it is simply because no matter how much I do, financially I am still barely scraping by. That maybe if I were making a decent income from what I do, then I would feel like I was doing enough.

When I get to that point, I will let you know! But isn’t it amazing, that you can be doing so much, yet feel so lazy? I know it’s an issue with ADHDers. We struggle to relax, to rest, to be seen to be doing nothing. The last time I genuinely remember feeling bored, was my 16th summer. I have not allowed myself to feel bored for 26 years. Even the mere idea of boredom makes me want to run screaming.

But my body is begging me to take some time out every now and then. To step away from the screen, from the treadmill, from the constant noise and action, and just be for five minutes.

I have begun reinstating retro Sundays, and though I need to be contactable, I am switching of my data and wifi on my phone. I am reading books, knitting socks, and generally allowing myself to slow down and chill. Oh, and drink lots of water! (kidney infections are no joke)

Looking through my insta made me realise just how much social media content is like junk food. It lasts five minutes, adds nothing to our lives, then is forgotten. And I don’t want to create content like that anymore. So again, I am going to focus on my blog, on writing books, and creating stuff that will be read, enjoyed and seen for years to come.

So keep an eye out for all the new books coming out! There will be at least 3 more released by the end of the year! And that’s not including the brand new Boojo of Shadows! Grab yours now!